Alright, lets meet our contestants. Our reining champ, President Barack Obama, Right wing pundit Rush Limbaugh, Senator John McCain, Bernie Maddoff and a Bank President who would rather remain nameless. Alright contestants, let's play Depression Jeopardy! Our first category is mortgage crisis. Mr. President.
"Yes, I'll take stimulus Plan for 300."
"Alright, there will be eight million people who will lose their home, what would give them some relief?"
"What is a mortgage bailout plan?"
"No...I'm afraid that will only help four million people...Rush"
"You see most people just don't get it. We built this country on the backs of other people who were not white. We are white and that's what makes this a great country. The American people don't need anything but for government to leave them alone. So I say do absolutely nothing and I hope I really hope the President fails in everything he does. I hope his stimulus fails, I hope his mortgage bailout fails, I hope he fails to put on his shoes, brush his teeth, knot his tie, start his car, write a letter, eat his breakfast, have a smoke, speak to his wife, take a walk, make a basket, get his haircut, go to Chicago, take a breath, make a speech, cut his grass, shovel his walk... I hope he fails so bad that he becomes the Mount Rushmore for failure!"
"That's not it either.... Senator McCain."
"My friends the answer is very clear to me. Some would say that I'm just a bitter old man who cant get over that I lost the last election. I say to those people that may be true but the fact is my friends, I have eaten bugs, spent years in cages, and I am a better man than that skinny guy who never went to war President. Just look at me. I look like a solider and he looks like someone who spent too many years in college. That's not change we can believe in. I say, we adopt the John McCain bold plan for the economy and everyone swaps their house with their neighbor. That way we all get a fresh start and a new house. Everyone deserves a home. And while we are at it we have a new election so I can win this time around."
"Nooo....Mr. Bank President."
"Give everyone a bonus, buy a jet, and take a golf junket to the Palisades?"
"Noo...I'm afraid that's not it either....Mr. Madoff."
"Listen it's very simple. Buy high and sell low! It worked for me and my investors with the derivatives. Some would say I'm a maverick, but it's simple, buy high and sell low. Invest with me and get an excellent return... but I won't return."
"No...I'm afraid that's not the answer either... the answer gentleman is get rid of mark to market rules and nationalize the banks, then start making loans again."
General grumbling. "Alright, let's move onto our lightning round....Rush...your choice."
"I'll take Depression for a thousand."
"There is nothing to fear but fear itself...who said that in the last Great Depression?..Rush."
"Well, I don't know whoever said it, but I hope whoever said it is white, American, republican, loves guns, mom, apple pie, prescription drugs, the Klan, the Nazis, and listens to my radio program unfailingly. Look, all I want to say here and now is that it is my God given right to hope the President fails and fails big! And I would like to debate the President right here on my radio show. The man is spending our children's future and I'm going to start jumping around right now and beating my chest. Does anyone have any prescription drugs?"
"You see, I would never say anything like that. My friends, that's not change we can believe in, what I propose is that we make me President. I may have shot myself in the foot with the Sara Palin nice body no brains move or my doddering erratic campaign. But my friends, that last election simply didn't count. And as you can see by my vociferous attacks on the President and my chant of pork, pork, pork, I am still campaigning. You see I believe my best days are in front of me and if I can just impeach the President on baseless grounds then I can be President and I would like to challenge my opponent to a bug eating contest right now in a POW camp and whoever wins that becomes President... now that's change we can believe in!"
"No...Mr. Bank President."
"Ah...hmmm....never heard that, nothing to fear but fear itself...catchy...well, here is what I would say, we take all the TARP money and lend it no one. Alright, we keep it for ourselves so we can keep paying each other millions of dollars until it runs out and then frankly I don't' see why there would be anything to fear. Who cares if they fire us and nationalize the banks, we made out like BANDITS. Yo baby...yo."
"Ah no...Mr. Madoff."
"Listen, you are hearing of a lot of guys like me who took big stars money and middle class money and threw it away and lived the high life. Well, I'm here to say... its true! Man, what a party! Babes and booze and yachts and mansions and Aruba and party on Garth! These suckers just kept giving to me and I kept blowing it and they kept giving it. Good times. Good times. Anyway, I say invest with me and there is nothing to fear. I can give you a high return and as long as I can keep my apartment and the millions I stole...I'm good. "
"Definitely not....Mr. President?"
"That would be Franklin Delano Roosevelt who said there is nothing to fear but fear itself. And there isn't. But of course, the real thing that ended that Depression was World War II."
"That's right, Mr. President! You are winner of Depression Jeopardy! And what we have for the winner is a thankless job where you have to solve the biggest problems confronting this country for the last fifty years and it doesn't matter that for the last eight years we dug a hole so deep we can't see out--you will be blamed for all our woes. Congratulations!